About Civility
Do you feel surrounded by spontaneous outbursts from angry people or those who believe they have been wronged? I’m not talking about the national stage; how about in your local, community interactions? What about your business interactions?
I recently observed two interactions that were so uncomfortable and inappropriate it left the victim with nothing to say. I live in a lovely HOA community where we are fortunate to have a full-service restaurant. We have a new restaurant director who has implemented changes intended to cut costs and increase revenue, which was a clear mandate. One such change relocated the entertainment to a different part of the restaurant, and a community member completely let loose on Facebook. Not only did he vent his frustration, but he berated the leader not only for her management skills, but also her personal traits. It was mean-spirited and nasty. Fortunately, the post was taken down, and the HOA general manager sent an email to the community stating how inappropriate the post was and removed him from the Facebook group.
A couple days later, a golfer came onto the putting green to practice putting. He was enraged that one of the pros had cordoned off a portion of the putting green for a lesson with multiple learners and couldn’t use the entire green for his putting warm up. He went up to the pro and screamed at her with an expletive-laced rant, shouting, “how dare she ruin his warmup!” She was so dumbfounded by the interaction it left her speechless. Fortunately, the head pro met him at the tee box, and escorted him off the property, permanently.
While these outrageous behaviors are inappropriate in any circumstance, I’m left wondering what’s going on that they are so prevalent, so insulting, and so frequent in our daily interactions. While golfing recently, I was paired with another resident, and between shots, we explored this issue.
We wondered if perhaps it happens so regularly because of the national mood. Our leaders, it seems, can lambast at will and suffer no consequences. She wondered if it’s because so many Americans are unchurched these days. She reminded me that most of us went to Sunday School or church while raising our families and we were reminded, regardless of denomination, what good, kindness, and caring looked like, and set the expectation that we demonstrate those qualities in our daily interactions. Perhaps we’ve learned from research that people tend to be attracted to salacious behavior so much more readily than hearing about acts of kindness. Conceivably, many of us are so shocked by the poor behavior that we are dumbfounded and simply have no idea how to react in a productive way; engaging in the interaction in the moment is certainly not the answer.
And yet, kindness does abound. The major networks regularly broadcast stories about strangers helping one another. You read a post about someone randomly helping another in need. Gentle goodness and positive interactions happen, and yet we don’t regularly hear about them.
It doesn’t have to be this way, and I believe we can do our part to stem the problem. Here are some guidelines we can all consider:
If in doubt, don’t say it. Write the email but don’t send it. Walk away from someone who challenges you for “wronging” them.
Let the little stuff go. Did that golfer really need the entire practice green at his disposal? I know no one who uses an entire green during their warmup. Avoid reacting when a situation doesn’t go away, knowing that next time it is probable things will go your way.
Ask a question, rather than make a statement. Although difficult to do while someone is demonstrating demeaning behavior, ask a question to understand. For example, in the restaurant, one could ask about other locations for the entertainment. Ask yourself how you might solve the problem.
Say you’re sorry and mean it. Saying you’re sorry in the moment is often unheard because the person is so put aback by what they’ve heard or observed. But, later, take a moment to apologize. Describe what you did and the impact it might have had on the other person. Don’t explain or rationalize your bad behavior.
Don’t add on. If you see a derogatory post, don’t make it worse. Provide facts if you know them to be true, but don’t be part of stirring the pot.
Say thank you every chance you get. A simple thank you goes a long way. A few more words after “thank you” make it even more impactful. Example: “Thank you for helping me. I was struggling with…” Or, “Thank you for helping me figure this out and for your patience while working with me.”
Yes, kindness occurs, but we can all help make it more prevalent. How are you being kind today?